Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on

Bout to have the best sleep of my life

If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?

My toddler threw a tantrum because I corrected him when he said he wanted to “Be Halloween for Mickey Mouse”.

I am now standing in the corner thinking about my actions.

Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out

3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!

Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.

Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.

To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call

–companies

I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.

4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?

Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.

4: Don’t you want to taste them first?

[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch

DHL: Hi! We popped by!
Me: No you didn’t
DHL: But there wasn’t anyone in!
Me: Yes there was
DHL: Would you like us to divert your parcel to a local service point?
Me: *Sigh* fine
DHL: Well we can’t!

Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…

*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.

Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.

me: how can I impress my date

friend: take her to your favorite food place

me: ok

[later]
her: that’s was really nice

my mom: you’re welcome

Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed

Audience:

Jim Carrey: all righty then

DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?

Me: no I just look like that

A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.

Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire

Breath mints make me sneeze. No, I don’t need that one back. I have others. Sorry about your eye.

Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..

Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..

Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”

Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*

Guys talking to women online: Hey

Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.

ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.

me: oh good what is it.

ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.

me: haha whoops.

Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.

Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.

Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*

Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.

[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u

please do not read the flags my wife flies over our house. they are full of lies, or at least lack important context

“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”