Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter

I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.

E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.

me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints

jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you

Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.

Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.

I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.

ME: alexa, make it quieter

*music gets way too quiet*

ME: alexa, make it louder

*music gets super loud*

ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter

ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?

ME: jesus christ

ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts

I ran 5 miles this morning. That bee was huge!

Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.

My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me

surfer priest: so, like, jesus & his bros were at dinner one night & he stood up & said, “the one who doesn’t order the fish tacos is gonna, like, totally betray me,” & his bros were all, like, “no waaay, we wouldn’t do that,” & judas was, like, “i’m sooo sick of fish tacos.”

When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.

Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat

If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.

Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”

My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”

Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.

[arriving at the international space station]

other astronaut: so how are things down there

me: a bit chafed tbh

Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.

News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”

Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”

Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.

Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.

the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”

doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …

Me: give it to me straight doc what is it

doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password

Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes

Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-

Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one

Me:

Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards

[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really

Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.

ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence

replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty

Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.

Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.