My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
You Might Also Like
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
watching a murder doc and the main girl just said “i believe god put me in this prison for a reason” and im like well the reason is you murdered your husband
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
Time for evil
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.