My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
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David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
My daughter b like “if u need something, call me” ???? You’re 3 sister girl 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
my sentiments exactly
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like