My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
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Them: what kind of friend are you?
Me: idk Phoebe maybe
The reason I wrap my potato in tinfoil before baking it is so that the government can’t tell what the potato is thinking
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
Those who believe in only 12.5% of the bible are eighthiests.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
“stand up for yourself” girl i have low iron
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.