Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband refused to get glasses. But that was before he brushed his teeth with Preparation H.

DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me

We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move

Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*

My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.

girls will be like “i have so much to do” then grabs some snacks and starts watching a 10 part docuseries on serial killers.

Just rolled a joint. Not to get high or anything. It was just my ankle

Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.

The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.

Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered

Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!

Tech Support: how much had you written?

Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences

When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.

Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”

So now I have a tombstone to select

So apparently a doctor’s note doesn’t get you out of work for multiple years

I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction

[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes

cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.

Every Crock-Pot recipe:

– throw in anything you have left in the house

– cook three to eleven hours.

This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know

A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.

[pulled over]

Cop: Have you been drinking?

Me: No

Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on

You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.

Maine is beautiful and calm.

Stephen King: Hold my balloon.

Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.

The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.

The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family

Saw a car with a bumper sticker that said “I love my wife” and all I could think was WHAT did this dude DO??

Me: I’d like a pumpkin ale.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE BEER

On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.

when people your age have their shit together and you have no idea what you’re doing

when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture

Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’