My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
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[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
I’m going to need to rewatch Idiocracy to see what happens next
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
this has done me in for some reason
A patient buying cigarettes from his hospital bed, 1950s
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
If you innocently act like you don’t know, people will explain dirty words to you and it’s hilarious.