Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like

My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.

If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.

According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.

From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.

is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan

Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.

*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled

*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money

A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.

[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*

A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏

“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.

0/10 stars, would not recommend.”

– Super Mario Bros. Online review

Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”

Me: I’ve got distressed genes.

Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.

M: Have you met my family?

The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.

i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”

I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.

idk about engagement farming like why not just buy a ring at the store like normal ppl.

“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”

But she got me a shitty gift.

“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”

Well that’s a dumb policy.

You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.

Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.

[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish

I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.

My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.

They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.

velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night

judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property

I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.

it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness

Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is