My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
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My kitchen overserved me.
The manual for my motorized wheelchair says “Do not operate while tired. ” I haven’t moved in six years.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Lmao the reply
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.