My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
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What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
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The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
😂🖐️
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
Might run for office so everyone can see how skinny I was back in college.
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
Yoh, my Uber driver is such a yapper and I have ran out of “ yeahs” 😭😭😭
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
United Steaks of America
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.