Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SICK’EM SPIKE!!!

[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]

trying to keep bird watching fair so every other trip I just stand there and let the birds check me out for a bit.
maybe occasionally yell “YOU LIKE FROZEN YOGURT??” so they can learn to spot my mating calls

I know I’m almost 40 because I had a few drinks last night and woke up this morning thinking: Oh no I bought SO MANY SOCKS online last night.

I SAID YES!!!!!! 💍🥂🥳🎉 i asked myself if i wanted a breakfast burrito.

Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.

nice challenge

[leaning over bathroom sink]

Me: *clips fingernail*

Fingernail: *lands in Italy*

It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.

When people ask “Are you high right now?”

It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.

If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.

I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.

I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.

Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…

I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”

Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.

My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose

Me:

Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?

In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection

If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).

I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.

car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped

I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.

Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.

The French really did the “this is fine” meme.

The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.

He scratches his head… I scratch mine.

He touches his chest… I touch mine.

He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.

Losing weight

Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carried

Cons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried

*buys almond milk*

“I’m gonna get healthy!”

*drinks almond milk*

“This is gross.”

*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*

“Perfect.”

I am tired of being a part of a major historical event

Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.

I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.

Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.

My dad was diagnosed with ornamental iron deficiency. He’s supposed to lick a metal handrail twice a day. I honestly feel doctors are just making things up.