Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.

I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.

When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.

Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!

Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!

Him: Don’t do it! Get out!

Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!

everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive

Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.

my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point

RIP boiling water. You will be mist.

Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.

#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?

A panda with a set of drums.

Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*

Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?

My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.

whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave

haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first

I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.

Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.

Now who’s stupid? They are!

If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”

This is the dumbest end of the world ever.

A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”

The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.

how DARE

[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“

[me, a people pleaser]: “no doctor that’s okay, whatever type of blood you have is fine”

I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it

I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.

Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*

Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine

Me: did you actually brush your teeth?

11: yes

Me:

11: I did!

Me:

11: just maybe not all of them