My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
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Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.