Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”

No one heard her.

whenever I look up and see a security camera, I like to imagine there’s a guy in some secret control room somewhere in europe who calls his boss on his little headset and says “we’ve got him, sir. he just entered the south hall at the chipotle on main street”

[grocery store]

Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!

“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”

there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job

Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.

Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong

Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher

no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.

WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.

ME: “Your”

BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.

Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.

Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake

Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt

Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”

If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.

Why do meteors always land in craters?

I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.

My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.

My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.

Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭

Me: 😐☹️

Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭

You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner

Me: I’ll take one insurance

Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that

Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please

My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.

Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?

If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer

Wife: We are lost

Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine

*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*

I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited

Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.

The most refreshing way to fight your personal demons is to make demonade.

[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”

Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.