My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
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[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
[poorly lit restaurant]
me: I can’t see the menu
wife: just ask the waiter to bring some candles
me: no I want food
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
Every BBC series about the universe.
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.