Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”

THIS HEADLINE

*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*

Put it all on Grey

OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl

Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.

I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.

Cornhub…

For them dirty farmers.

Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.

We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.

drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is

Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a storm

No matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.

“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.

14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.

Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.

~Confucius

Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.

To whoever stole my over sized clock, you owe me big time.

I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.

One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…

My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine

Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks

I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.

If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.

“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”

*Checks soles of both my shoes*

“….left, ladies.”

Judge: You were arrested for stealing a can of peaches. How many peaches were in the can?

Wife: Six, Your Honor.

Judge: In that case, you will go to jail for six days, one for each peach.

Husband: She also stole a can of peas!

Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.

My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.

My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.

-Me, flirting.

Clark Kent is such a hipster.

He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman

[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama

Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”

Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”

M: “This. This is why.”