My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.

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Never laugh at a toddlers joke unless you want to hear it repeated 425 more times.


*Takes your face in my hands*

*Looks deep into your eyes*

*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *


Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?

Son: …

Me: It’s also a famous explorer.

Son: Dora?

Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.


Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.


You guys I found this new great birth control called pregnant women posting pictures on Facebook.


Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.


A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.


friend: Try this
me[takes drink] It’s wine
friend: Did you detect a hint of anything?
friend: But what did it taste like?


The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant