My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
You Might Also Like
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.