Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies

Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.

Yeah, I use She pronouns.

But not like a girl, like a boat.

You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500

Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.

I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.

I didn’t realize that was an option

My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol

Things that are likely to kill me:

1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework

No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.

Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick

Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.

HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.

Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”

hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh

Heck of a week to be a 50-year-old journalist working with people in their 20s when the news has been about pagers and now Tupperware.

In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.

Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?

Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??

Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved

no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside

Think you know guilt?

*takes long drag on cigarette*

I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.

*exhales*

I hear Simba’s screams every night.

Me: I want to travel

Bank account: Where? To work?

I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.

My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.

My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.

My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”

[2287 AD]

Omg: dad, where did our names come from?

Karen: the algorithm, son

Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm

Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*

The horror. The apostrophe’s.

Leo: They say the best revenge is living well, when in fact the best revenge is living IN a well and poisoning your enemy’s water supply with your foul presence.

If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.

Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad