My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
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Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
Tonight I will make history!
Turns off incognito mode
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
Me: Maybe I’ll do something fun today
Anxiety: Sounds great, should I bring a sweater?
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
My mum stayed with us recently and couldn’t help but advise me on certain things, being my mum.
Just like a sulky teenager I responded “Mum, I’m 53.”
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2