Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A Canadian pilot was hesitant about landing in the crosswind, so Benny from Maintenance has fixed his plane.

This tweet lives in my head rent free.

Climax comes before effort, but only in a dictionary.

Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.

Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery

since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys

not holding the door for the person right behind you and letting it slam onto them: objectively inconsiderate and so easy to avoid

holding the door for someone who’s like 30 feet away: a blatant act of terrorism

Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?

Just me?

Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!

Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.

No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.

lots of war chat today so it is time to remind everyone that you did not in fact fight in world war 2, that was a film you saw

Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so

Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.

*at the bakery*

Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”

Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”

A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.

If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.

Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.

Her: How pathetic can you be?

Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.

Suuuuure

People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?

My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.

Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME

Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet

DAMMIT!

War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.

People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?

Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.

And also my car door.

Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha

Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife

Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.

do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones

I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day

I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.