My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
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One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
Yup.
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
Sharon, call the vet
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.