My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
You Might Also Like
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on