My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
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Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
Regional Manager added me to the wrong Slack channel at work. There were discussions on overlooking 3 certain people for promotions & ideas on how to get them fired, because they were in a union. Long story short, I’m the regional manager now and the 3 people got their promotions
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
Always the camel, never the toe.
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?