Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.

Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday

Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-

Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.

washing mushrooms is the quickest way to figure out exactly how much dirt you’re okay with eating

“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”

“What kind are you using?”

“Grape”

I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.

Dating tip:

If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.

Give me one good reason not to have a drink.

Hepatologist: Hold my beer.

sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?

“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet

On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.

I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.

INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha

I’ve started taking a brisk walk straight after dinner and it’s saving me an absolute fortune on restaurant bills.

My 7yo said that boys were bothering her at school so she yelled math problems at them until they went away.

I have mad respect for this strategy 🙌

whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong

Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.

This is one of the best videos to ever exist.

all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot

If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.

prepare for thanksgiving? i’ve been overeating and arguing with my family for years, i was born ready for this

I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services

Me: [getting ready for work]

Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.

Me: [decides to vacuum house]

[first date]

him: what’s the one word that best describes you?

me: I’m acerbic

him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia

me: no it means I have a sharp tongue

him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food

Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way

ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels

If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you

You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?

In a parallel universe a group of mystery solving sasquatch teens are unmasking The Velma that’s been chasing them all night.

If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.