My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
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[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
older people are often wiser and smarter than younger people, because they have usually seen more movies
if I was a priest I’d make my side of the confession booth really big so I could run around
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
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It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.