My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
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If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
My ideal workday would be from 9:00 AM to 9:07 AM
Used to be a hairdresser. Once when trimming a bob my pinkie finger slipped into the clients mouth. Awkward eye contact ensued. We’ve been married 24 years. Only joking, he never came back to the salon.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.