Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

3yo: I need you to fix this.

Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.

3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.

Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.

a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..

DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.

Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.

It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas

interviewer: questions about the job?

me: how can I get suspended with pay

me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass

waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no

Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”

I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.

me: just tell me what to do

universe: *gives me a clear sign*

me: well that could be for anybody

my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?

Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.

400 fucking grocery carts to choose from and I always pick the Ford Pinto with a flat tire.

Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool

Kenickie: sure bro

Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly

Kenickie: wait what

Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right

I want a president who promises no jobs. I don’t want to have a job

therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-

me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u

At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.

I don’t hate you I just wish your next period is in a shark tank

“Australia is the smallest planet”

– first day of school already paying off

[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod

Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs

5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh

Brought flowers home to wife.

Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”

Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”

Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”

Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.

“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine

4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.

Me: How do we do that?

4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”

I might be raising Elmer Fudd.

Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me

Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.

Me: Hiatus?

Girlfriend: I hate us too.