My kid just told me I look so young from this angle. The angle being the back of my head.
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A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
wow
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
“Please be normal”
“Nope”
Leo: The darkness is more afraid of you than you are of it. This is an extremely concerning development.
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
Him: I hate how things ended. Don’t be mad at me.
Me: I’m not mad. About that or anything.
Him: Good! I didn’t want you thinking I was an asshole.
Me: No, I haven’t been thinking about you at all really.
Him: Ok, well, somehow that’s worse but thanks.
they should schedule doctor appts like
DOORS 8:15
Nurse 8:25
Doctor 8:40
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*