My kid just told me I look so young from this angle. The angle being the back of my head.
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I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”