My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
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SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
Danger is very dangerous
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
I just smiled to everyone I invited over to watch football as I turned it off and started the puppet show.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.