Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[ undercover stake out ]

me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you

donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*

I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.

“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.

I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you

This woman posted her giant baby on TikTok and the Detroit Lions commented “dibs” I can’t believe we’re about to lose this app.

nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system

and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots

Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..

aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.

“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”

” Yes, we arson.”

#HatDadJoke

[visiting America]

Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?

America: sure is

Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch

America: lmao nope

I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.

Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.

me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school

spy hq: none suspect you, right?

me: roger

spy hq: keep her in sight

[later]

teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?

me: i’ve been made

spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!

they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome

[Australian recipe for upside down cake]

1: make cake

Anything is free if you can outrun security.

The more you know.

Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.

always very funny to me when people get all dressed up for thanksgiving. you’re going to stand around your nana’s house do we really need to be doing business casual here

God: Done

Angel: you can’t be finished

God: I am

Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-

God: aaand send

I asked my coworker what he got his wife for Christmas and he said “a vacuum” and I was like damn did u get her an exercise bike too and he had no idea what I was talking about

Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there

Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.

When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply

Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time

without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth

Her: We need to talk

Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?

Taxi driver: Where to?

Me: Inbetween one and three.

Taxi driver: Get out.

[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
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l i
k e
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i s