Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[three days after inventing phone]

*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*

Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs

My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE

When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?

PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face

COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect

“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.

According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…

Without the receipt, apparently.

A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller

no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside

I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha

Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad

Imagine having a party on purpose.

wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa

On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.

Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit

I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.

no such thing as a dumb question

if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there

I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.

WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”

I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.

a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you

[my coffin lowering into the grave]

wait guys shouldn’t I be dead

[coffin starts lowering faster]

One venti cheeseburger please.

I was yawning and mentioned my sleep was interrupted by a child in my bed.

My son pipes up and says “well I sleep great last night…because I’m not a parent.”

Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes

Me: *tips the waiter*

Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*

This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like

Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by

“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”

TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.

“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.