My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
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I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
The nurse said she needed some urine to test for potassium. “K,” I said. Silence. “I bet everyone makes that joke,” I say. She’s like “In 15 years of nursing not one person has made that joke”
Sometimes I read the stupidest shit in here then realize I wrote it