My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
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Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
The walk of shame takes on a whole new level when it’s the morning after a Halloween party and you’re dressed as a Ninja Turtle.
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
i’m a single issue voter. i’m single and it’s an issue
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?