Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages

Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.

Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.

Me: Got it.

[Later]

Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-

Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.

A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.

wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”

Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud

Fries, not lies.

My dating checklist is down to “not the Unabomber”

Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.

PDF: *pops up at 176%*

Why are you yelling at me

Yesterday my friend quit her job while dressed as Ellen Ripley. Then a manager had to stop and discuss a counter offer with HR while dressed as an emu. I love Halloween so much

Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.

I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.

Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.

I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere

My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.

According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.

I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.

Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.

kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.

This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag

I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.

The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.

she would like to bark at the manager, please.

Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.

M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.

James Bond: I should use better what now?

Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”

Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.

CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm

Cop: “License and registration please.”

*opens glove compartment and a harmonica falls out*

Me: “I swear to God, officer! That isn’t mine!”