Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maternity.

Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.

My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket

I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.

Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?

Dad: that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health

Me: Dad, there’s an emergency

Dad: use your “always special” cheat code

Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight

COMPUTER: Enter password

ME: [types ’14days’]

COMPUTER: Your password is two week

ME: Uh?

COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.

McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?

Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?

I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.

Business is booming.

ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped

My New Year’s resolutions:

1. Stop making lists.

B. Be more consistent.

7. Learn to count.

trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month

When it’s my time, I need one of you to promise me you’ll put a motion detector on my headstone that yells out “ouch you’re stepping on my foot,” to anyone who gets close. Please and thank you.

Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.

There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.

Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.

States Where You Can Get Arrested for Wrestling a Bear

Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.

FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples

My Indian name is dances without coordination.

God: But if you use your sting you will die.

Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?

God: Err…

[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half

Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.

Divorce… The most common home improvement project.

A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”

When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.

Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”

As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.

Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”

And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”

WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father

There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal