Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.

GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here

The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.

At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?

cat: *unresponsive*

bartender: get this catatonic

I need to buy new window blinds, but I hate dealing with shady salespeople.

Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.

Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.

Husband: How was your day?

Me: We’re all mad here.

Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?

Me: Off with their heads!!!

Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?

Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.

Husband: I’m on my way home.

At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?

I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.

You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.

Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.

I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second

Loan shark put my mind at ease by explaining it wasn’t a threat, it was a promise.

* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *

My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.

[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean

If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby

The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.

My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!

Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son

My son: say your line mummy!

Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE

“Why am I so thirsty?”

*Flashback to me eating half a ham*

“Oh, right”

If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane

I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.

I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.

That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family

A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit

The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language

Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.