My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
customer: your darkest roast please
barista: god created amnesia bc of you
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
