Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.

ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.

This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be

😆

I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.

I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.

Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.

Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

Me: The company moved.

I: Where?

M: They didn’t tell me.

“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush

Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.

Cult Leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods

*me pulling up in my jeep with rubber ducks on my dashboard*

Me: why’s everyone looking at me?

I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.

90% of parenting is crumb identification.

Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?

Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.

Yep.

I think I’m having a stroke

Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it

It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.

If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.

Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.

[at a restaurant]

me: i think i misread your tinder bio

squirtle: squirtle.

I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.

Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.

Mammals for $500 Alex

“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”

What are sloths?

“Wrong, What are coworkers”

Me: 🎵 mama

My Mom: hi son

Me: 🎵 just killed a man

My Mom: new phone who dis

How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon

My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK