Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”

Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?

Me: I want more

Dentist: excuse me?

Me: you know how you take teeth out?

Dentist: yea

Me: do that but the opposite

Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.

Me: I hate people.

H: I challenge you to say something positive.

Me: I’m positive I hate people.

The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow

Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.

I had 2 critical meetings on Tuesday. I was SO worried & nervous about them but it went okay. I was composed. I was fierce. I was prepared. And I was wearing my shirt backward the entire time. (I only realized after I got home.)

Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??

The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”

He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”

Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person

“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break

Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.

I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.

*looks at 4 children*

“You leave me no choice.”

*eats last 3 cookies*

I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.

body: you’re dehydrated

me: I literally just drank a glass

narrator: that was 3 days ago

If I was Snow White you wouldn’t get me with an apple. You’d have to poison a taco or something

I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE

shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch

Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning

1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up

My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.

Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE

Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.

Chicago sounds lovely.

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.

My kid: you took my KitKat, didn’t you?
Me:
Me: I am shocked!
My kid: are you shocked because you took my KitKat or are you shocked because I could figure it out?