Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.

I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.

In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.

Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable

My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.

Him: Being a teenager is tough.

Me: *sigh* I’m 40.

6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥

I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.

I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.

Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle

When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.

One kid asked, “does he bite?”

“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.

So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.

I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school

DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight

ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down

DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here

[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]

me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down

I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.

I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.

Fool me once, shame on you.

Fool me twice, shame on me.

Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.

the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen

just leaving a message to let you know I got your text

– voicemails from my dad

Of course I’m English.

I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.

A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.

When libraries troll their patrons.

Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to

People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS

My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.

To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.

[when i was a kid]

DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you

[today]

MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot

ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now

The horror of touching the spoon on the bin when disposing of a tea bag.

Another spoon will now be on stirring duty. A pure spoon.

MUGGER: Empty your pockets!

ME: But these are cargo shorts.

(45 min later)

ME: That’s the left one

MUGGER: Seriously.

ME: I am SO sorry

My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.