My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
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person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
if i’m ever in a coma please put chapstick on my lips
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
Breaking news:
In the original ancient Greek Olympic games, many of the athletes competed naked. It made the trampoline a lot of fun, the men’s hurdles not so much.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
My 7 year old asked me why my brother’s family “only eats 3 meals a day” and that should tell you everything you need to know about my grocery bill.
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
My Brain: HERE IS THAT NAME YOU ASKED FOR 6 HOURS AGO
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
