Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[crumpled up paper on floor]

*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…*

*leaves it*

Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile

“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me

Signs you’re a man:

*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.

*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.

Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.

Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?

Me: I saw the sign

F: …

Me: And it opened up my eyes

F: Oh no.

Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN

[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”

Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.

Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.

Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.

#HatDadJoke

[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE

If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms

My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.

Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.

[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*

How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?

Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*

*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall

Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.

*3.5 thank you very much.

When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.

Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.

you’re so productive for your wage

MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single

TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.

them: where do you see yourself in five years

me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture

Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread

Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake

Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater

Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them

Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!

Welcome to your late 40s from now on you will no longer be in “good health” but in “good health for your age”