Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Why did u jump off that bridge?”

My friend did it too

“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”

Yes. I literally just said that

Me: is this dishwasher safe?

Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not

If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.

I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.

Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.

whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!

“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”

wow ok you did not age well

Banderslack Clamberdorch

Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”

God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.

I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask

*dents another car while parking*

*leaves note under windshield wiper*

“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”

If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.

But nope, it was just me getting ready.

Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive

I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila

Twitter remains undefeated

I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.

other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun

me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread

Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.

[first day in prison]

Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*

I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.

I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.

You don’t see great advertising like this anymore

Thinking about when I got to the hospital to give birth and the doctor asked when the contractions started and I said “11:48” and he laughed and said “Wow, so specific. 11:48 and how many seconds?” and I’m just saying that man is lucky to be alive.

Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.

Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?

*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*

me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink

judge: no

my lower back watching me try to live my life

Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!

Twitter: nope

Customer: do you sell {item}?

Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in

Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*

Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary

Mom: But…how?

Cop: Maybe get a cab?

No I will not change my password.

If someone wants this life, they can have it.

How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.