Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician

Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.

Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.

Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.

Shaved my legs today

RIP drain

me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?

satan: yup

me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway

satan: you got it

me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?

Waiter: May I take your order?

Yes, roll over and play dead!

Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.

Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.

So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.

They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.

Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.

Using “Hello” as a greeting

– boring
– uninspired
– predictable

Using “Hiya” as a greeting

– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate

Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.

[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”

wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?

*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!

What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?

I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl

Who chose this font

Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.

*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*

So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?

Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?

[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]

Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.

Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners

Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.

ㅤ

I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence

[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]

ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.

*fakes headache to get out of work*

*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*

The smoke detector went off because the battery was low and I thought it was because the frozen pizza was done.