Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.

Doctor said I need to eat more salad.

Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.

If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.

Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people

*trying a new meal*

Wife: how do you like it?

Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good

I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.

On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.

So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay

Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.

Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.

im all 3

Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?

Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.

This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.

5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair

detective: looks like someone cut the victim open

mortician: that was me

detective: *into wire* we got em

Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.

I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”

What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?

Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!

Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?

80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.

2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs

If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.

Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow

Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?

Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out

Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.

Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.

I’m no good at the pole vault either.

*me flirting

My first rodeo and my last rodeo were the same rodeo.

[lights 2016 calendar on fire]

There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.

[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]

Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.

embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together