Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: how was school?

son: i got in trouble today

me: what for?

son: kung fu fighting

me: wow I’m so disappointed

son: but everybody was doing it

The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.

I forgot who said it first but it is indeed crazy that Uhaul will rent you a 27 ft truck with no training whatsoever

Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora

As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit

In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position

Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.

[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”

money maker

Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit

The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.

my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35

me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”

I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing

me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder

her: lol like what

me: well, most of its grandmas

her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see

Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?

Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.

“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat

[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.

Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.

4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?

Me: It’s like writing his name on it.

4: So I-

Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.

I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died

there are people who know when to reply all and when not to reply all and none of them work at your company

I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.

Torturer: you shock him this time

Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle

Torturer: no not— wait really

Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend

No YOUR a grammar nazi!

I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.

I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.

If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?

Now security is showing me out.

Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?

I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not