Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]

Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?

My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.

Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers

I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup

If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.

[feeding baby Malaysian food]

“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises*

*spoon just disappears*

I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano

Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a

When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.

I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!

So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.

Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.

There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.

*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*

Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?

Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan

I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…

Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again

The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.

[zombie apocalypse]

Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up

I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.

My 6yo told me just before bed she had a quiz the next day so when I questioned why she didn’t tell me when I asked her if she had homework earlier she said “You asked me if I had homework, not a quiz, duh.”

In other news, there’s a kid on sale on eBay.

Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”

My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back

HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?

Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.

Me: Please throw them in the dryer.

Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.

Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.

You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.

If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.

At my age I don’t sleep, I nap between pee breaks.

Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really

a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.