Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.

Her: How old is he?

Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….

My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.

This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?

Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?

Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.

Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?

He really should be.

I get badly burnt by the sun, hate garlic and can be killed by a wooden stake through the heart. I wonder if there is something my uncle Vlad never told me.

No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.

if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming

I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.

*takes the high road

*gets a DUI

[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]

So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.

Me: do you like piña coladas?

Date: yes

Me: *marking chart*

Human Robot
——————————
|

Me: and getting caught in the rain?

Date: not really

Me: *eyes narrow*

Priest: You May now kiss the bride.

Goth couple: *scowls*

Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.

(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.

I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.

Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul Afraides

Paul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes

I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect

Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.

See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.

When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.

DOG 911: What’s ur emer-

DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON

DOG 911: So

DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What

My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.

Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.

I lost my job as a surgeon.

Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.

*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP

ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935

*pulls out 50 inch TV*

What? It’s really a phone.

friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.

me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally

OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.

– My clothes.

Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.