Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room

NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese

Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree

Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”

Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news

I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.

I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.

Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving

TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.

RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.

The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.

We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.

*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly

My neighbor is mowing his lawn.

There is snow on the ground.

[locks doors]

teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot

[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”

[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]

“May I have this dance?”

[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]

My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*

My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’

Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.

Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling

I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.

Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?

[job interview]

-Describe yourself to me in one word.

-poor

It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell

That awkward moment when someone is doing the dishes, and you slowly put your dish in the sink

By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.

wish this weren’t a scam text. would love to go

Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!

Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.