My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
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to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
It’s nothing worse than accidentally becoming a important person at your job.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.