My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
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Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me: I want you to do some chores.
8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.
Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
🏙👨🏼
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.