People who take things literally on twitter, stop.
Wait. First take this tweet literally, then stop.
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
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[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
One of my son’s classmates saw me on camera and asked if I was Snow White so yes I’d say my tan has faded
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
Who would have believed that the perfect Wikipedia photo caption could have been improved upon?
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
[dead at the bottom of the pool in a mermaid outfit]
him: *sadly* it was supposed to go over your legs
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild