Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice

I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol

My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!

I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.

Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji

Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?

*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.

*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!

They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars

Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.

I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.

…No, YOU shut up.

Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.

I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.

“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”

i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help

If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.

“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”

[Using raccoons for a heist]

Pros:

• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfit

Cons:

• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety

Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.

“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]

If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.

McDonald’s should put a nativity scene in all their restaurants in December.
Call it the McCrib

Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat

[Sherwood Forest]

LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me

ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…

LITTLE JOHN: Right

ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor

LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them

ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?

LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.

OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋

[New printer]

Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*

Ink low, replace cartridges

My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”

Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.

Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.

Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.

Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog