Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.

Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”

You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..

It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.

Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??

In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏

6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥

My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”

I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich

every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong

[reading crime and punishment]

me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-

[ten pages later]

me: you’re not gonna believe this

me logging onto twitter

If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.

For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.

I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.

I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”

3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*

Me: What are you doing?!

3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.

If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.

If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?

“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”

My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.

Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper

*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*

Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.

TODAY

let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,

I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.

My brother just sent me an angry text.

Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?

My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing

Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.

I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on

Me: You ate radishes.

Friend: How can you tell?

Me: You’re burping them.

F: They were really good radishes.

Me: Not from where I’m standing.