My kid lost his tooth eating a taco 2 weeks ago and we still haven’t found it.
He swears he didn’t swallow it and that it’s “just hiding.”
Yeah, hiding in the sewer.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Tooth.
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I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
Me: Why are you in my bed?
8: It’s definitely not because there are crumbs in mine.
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
does anyone know a car vet, my neighbor’s antler fell off
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
2023 was just a warmup
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
kitchen magnet
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend