My kid lost his tooth eating a taco 2 weeks ago and we still haven’t found it.
He swears he didn’t swallow it and that it’s “just hiding.”
Yeah, hiding in the sewer.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Tooth.
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me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
live long and prosper!
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.