So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
You Might Also Like
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
Happy Taco Tuesday
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk