Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.

Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.

(genuine human laughter)

responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description

me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy

wife: maybe the two are related?

me: no, I think they’re just good friends

We’re getting a mini moon for two months, and it’s just called “2024 PT5”. That’s a terrible name. I’m going to call it Gary.

Me: *points at romantic relationships*

God: *slaps my hand* NO

Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor

The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.

Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-

The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this

In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store

[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas

Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.

-my cat.

I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.

When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped

*me

Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work

Cop2: Not a bit

Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in

Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD

[both get shot]

Sensei: you have learned much, my child

Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate

Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves

you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.

“And this is my creepy husband, John.”

(The way my friend should introduce her husband)

When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”

[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”

[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”

Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?

Friend: Since 2024 is almost over what have you accomplished this year?

Me: I don’t like your tone

[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella

[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife

“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep

“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus

me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]

him: [on deathbed] NURSE

If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her

Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busy

Friend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE

Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae

*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*

professor x: whats your superpower

ostrich: i lay big egg

professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast

ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale