Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough

Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.

*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*

I’m here, Mistress.

*eats everything*
*dies*

My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit

If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.

Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.

Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.

“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.

Next time I feel incompetent at my job, I hope I remember that someone once pushed a live software update that crashed half the planet.

How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight

3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.

Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha

Me: I don’t get it

Early bird: I do

if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked

2019: the floor is lava

2020: literally don’t touch anything

My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”

Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling

The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store

*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*

Me: *patting mask* thank you

The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.

I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.

A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.

I’m going back in time to kill whoever invented the wheel so we never have to hear the phrase ‘circling back’

My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.

him, texting from the party: where did you go???

me, already home in bed: bathroom brb

You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.

My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.

[date]

HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.

ME: Oh me too.

HER: Which part do you like best?

ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.

If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too

I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.

Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.

ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery