My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
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Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
is frankincense just very honest incense?
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
applying for a new job
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
working at a bank sounds so funny, what do you mean your company has 10,000 vice presidents
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”