My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
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Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day he checked the comments and replies, and got the idea for hell.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
Nice try, poison.
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
I wish I could say it was the first time I’ve hidden in a dumpster.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
Collecting my reserved books at the library: They’re under the name Marriott.
Librarian: Oh, like the author!
Me: Huh?
Librarian: You know, the author – Zoë Marriott!
Me, blankly: This… has never happened to me before.
Librarian: All right. Can I have your library card?
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
*opens fortune cookie*
“REDACTED”
My 6yo lost his first tooth today and wants to know when the dentist is coming.
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.