My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
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January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
wish me luck lads
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
Qualifications for local sewer clown are pretty simple: dress the part, fit in a storm drain and be willing to work for screams.
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.