My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
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peeping toms
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
sounds kinky. i’m in.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
My new work colleague went to Argentina on holiday in September. I knew instantly he and I were not going to be friends when I said to him “at that time of year, it can be bordering on Chile” and he proceeded to tell me he was okay as he’d taken a jacket.
I’m trying to shower you with affection. It doesn’t matter how I got into your bathroom.