My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
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Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
imagine asking a blind girl out in braille & she leave you on felt
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
At my age I’m worried about tripping and falling, so I wear a helmet. I’m also worried about looking ridiculous, so I carry a skateboard.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Bringing back this classic
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.