Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.

Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.

Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨

*solves baby formula supply chain issues*

[Job interview]

Him: Do you have any questions?

Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?

I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.

*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*

Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.

Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.

Wow you’re fast.

[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵

[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan

LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!

ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays

It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.

Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.

Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.

Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.

I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.

me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast

Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?

So they can be namaste at home moms.

Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!

M: *swoons*

I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.

Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.

Me: this is my service burrito.

[at a fall festival]

Him: you look gourdgeous

Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*

Him: please don’t leaf

Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.

Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?

Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*

Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*

I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.

🤯🤯🤯

Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.

Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.

If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.

90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.

The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.