My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
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Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
I’m sorry I mistook your baby for a bag of cheetos. If it helps, it was very tasty.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
Not😆🤣
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations