My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
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[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
Hey man be careful on the trampoline one of my buddies never came back down
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
got too drunk in the vietnamese restaurant last night, they said i can never go back. they banh mi
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
I ordered mushrooms on my pizza.
When do they kick in?
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.